ferrousland.com - diary archives
Saturday, July 29, 2000
nothing or something? - 06:40 PM
today at work i suddenly started thinking, "i really don't want to be here." it wasn't just that i didn't want to be in that particular place, or didn't want to be working, but rather, i really didn't & don't want to be doing this job.
i'll tell you what triggered it. i was serving a line of people. the next guy steps up & even though i didn't say anything & he didn't say anything, i'm pretty damn sure that he was my very first boyfriend ever, way back in grade eleven, about twelve years ago (wow, that's a long time). he didn't look exactly the same as he did then, but his eyes were the give away. people's faces change but their eyes pretty much stay the same forever. well, it got me thinking that it's been that long since i saw this guy & here i am in a dead-end job at a service station. twelve years later & as far as he can see i've achieved nothing.
i don't mean to put down people that do these kinds of jobs. i'm one of them now & for about eighteen months a year or so ago i ran my own cleaning business. don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with working at a service station or cleaning houses or emptying bins. all these are honourable jobs for honourable people that work hard to earn an honest living.
.. but i want more. my goals go further than working at a manual labour job. i've got skills that i can put to good use but i'm not putting them to good use. my aspirations are to make web development my career, but instead of forging ahead & becoming what i want to be, i've been slack & sitting on my bum waiting for it to come to me. it's not going to happen that way! for instance, i thought that the guy at the coast would be throwing lots of work my way but so far all i've had is that one job. i don't know what happened.
it makes me scared. i start to think that maybe i'm no good at this web development thing. i see so many sites out there that are so much better than what i could ever create & these are from kids! sometimes i think that maybe i'm just not smart enough to stay ahead, not creative enough to design things that are fresh & new, not driven enough to take action to make sure i don't fall behind.
i'm worried. what if it turns out that i'm not special at all. what if i'm just nothing?
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