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Thursday, May 05, 2005 - (see all news for this day)
guilt & tension - 07:34 PM
(filed under 'general')
i hate the sense of tension that i have when smiley's asleep or when shroom's looking after him for me. i want to just relax, but there are so many things that i feel i could or should be doing while i have my hands free that i feel as though i can't do it all.
if i sit just blogging (like this) or catching up on reading my friends' blogs, then i feel guilty that i'm not picking up around the house, or getting dinner ready or something.
if i am getting dinner ready or picking up around the house, then i'm happy that i'm being productive, but then i feel annoyed inside that i haven't been able to do something simply for me, such as catching up on blogs.
if i catch up on reading blogs or blog on my own site, then i'm happy that i've done something just for me, but i feel unfulfilled that i haven't done something creative, like making more jewellery.
even if i do make more jewellery, then i still feel guilty that i'm not doing housework.
no matter what it is that i choose to do, for myself or for the household, i still feel the tension of knowing that smiley is going to wake up or want my undivided attention again soon & that my hands-free time could end at any minute. so sometimes then i just end up doing not much at all because i don't want to start something only to have to stop it again as soon as i get involved in it.
it really bugs me. it gets me down .. well, about as down as i ever get which isn't very. as things go that get me down though, this one is a biggy.
does every other mother &/or wife feel this way? what can i do to stop feeling like this? it's driving me crazy. i really hate it.
I know that feeling coralie, your not alone there. Its important to have relaxation time for you even if for half an hour a day you manage to get it. Its so easy to loose your own individuality while being someones wife and someones mum always wanting your attention. Even now with my kids being nearly 12 years old and 8 years old its hard to fit in time for me alone with all the running the kids to school, clubs, football, housework etc but I always manage to make time for myself, without it I think I would crack up. Remember the housework can wait, as long as the important stuff is done and the place looks tidy bugger the dust and cobwebs. Why dont you give Riley a duster when you are cleaning up so he can pretend to do the housework with you.
Oh and dont feel guilty about sitting down, reading your blogs or whatever makes you feel relaxed, you deserve it being a mum is exhausting and is most definately a demanding full time job
there's a book out (i've seen it in A&R) called "motherguilt"
there you go
yeah groovy man be at one with the universe man .. freak out man .. make love man ... as keith richards said ... hey man im so glad to be here .. like man im so glad to be anywhere !!..we said ' 'man ' a lot in 69
maybe you need to get yourself a copy of the book I bought for Jade... buddhism for mothers - it's about taking care of YOURSELF!
Mothers for the most part put themselves on the bottom rung of the family ladder, always holding everyone else up with their time and efforts. With our youngest child being 12 now, I know that I have more time for myself. Unfortunately, after 16 years of being on the bottom of the priority list (putting myself there and teaching my husband and children to follow suit!),I still don't make time for myself. I have no advice here, I'm still working through it myself!
I think you have put your finger on one of the perennial dilemmas of motherhood, Corri. I suffer from this all the time - at the moment, an extended version of it, as even when Alia's awake I can't do as much with her as usual due to my advanced state of pregnancy, anaemia and bronchiolitis (I do nothing by halves!)
She is coping with this "neglect" much better than I am (in this context, neglect means Mummy slumped on the couch croaking encouraging comments at her while she does puzzles, rather than Mummy taking her to the park or playing playdough with her etc). She has been a great comfort and very willing to self-entertain. But *I* have felt the guilt and the wrench. I'm feeling it now, for typing this instead of doing the dishes (Alia's asleep so primary responsibility at least is taken care of).
The only things I can suggest, that work a little for me, are to keep reminding yourself that while mothering is a lifetime job, if you want to do it really well, it can't be a 24/7 job. That's not human and you'll simply burn out if you try. You need time to decompress, time to be creative, time to just spin the shit and relax.
Balancing the needs of the household with your needs will never be easy (isn't for me) but it does help a bit to tell yourself that your needs are every bit as important as everything else of the list. To me, taking care of Alia's health and safety comes first; her development and comfort, second; mine and Gary's health and nutrition, third (I'll always prioritise cooking a fresh meal over any other kind of chore); and equal after that is everything else - washing, chatting to friends, cleaning, blogging, writing stories and poetry, reading, doing dishes, sewing, knitting etc. One doesn't take any particular priority over the other.
Also, sorry to add to my mammoth post above but one thing you said kind of concerned me, when you talked about Shroom taking Smiley "for you".
Shroom is Smiley's Dad and you shouldn't think of their time together as Shroom "taking Smiley for you", as if it's some kind of favour - it's desperately important to their relationship as well as yours with both of them that their time is a GIVEN, not a privilege extended to you as a treat. Yes, I know Shroom works (so does Gary) but Corri, you work too, all the hours he does and more. It's only reasonable that the childcare in non-employment hours be shared. And Smiley will only benefit from it as time goes on.
what kathy just said. he shouldn't be looking after riley "for you". he is riley's parent too.
and you should teach riley to get your divided attention sometimes so that you can do other things as well as look after him. you can supervise him playing at the same time as you are washing the dishes or vacuuming or something. and he should be able to sit and play with his things while you "play" with your jewellery and stuff.
Smiley is at the age where he thinks Dad (Shroom) is his big buddy playpal. I went thru this with my own daughters. Don't worry. My youngest was the type that if I dug a hole in the yard and poured water into it, she would spring out of the hole covered in mud, and send her mother into a frantic tizzy (which lead to mum's demise). Relax, Coralie. Smiley will get his share of bumps and bruises and cuts. Besides, the mud washes off little hands and feet and come out in the wash, too. Been there, seen it, lived thru the sleepless nights, too. Blogging is okay, doing your jewelry craft is okay: just set aside the time for it. I have to work, do the household cleaning, cook meals; but I also make time to do the little things.
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get yourself a book, run yourself a bath, get a cd and some headphones, and go get away from it all behind a closed door