ferrousland.com - daily news archives
Thursday, May 05, 2005
guilt & tension - 07:34 PM
(filed under 'general')
i hate the sense of tension that i have when smiley's asleep or when shroom's looking after him for me. i want to just relax, but there are so many things that i feel i could or should be doing while i have my hands free that i feel as though i can't do it all.
if i sit just blogging (like this) or catching up on reading my friends' blogs, then i feel guilty that i'm not picking up around the house, or getting dinner ready or something.
if i am getting dinner ready or picking up around the house, then i'm happy that i'm being productive, but then i feel annoyed inside that i haven't been able to do something simply for me, such as catching up on blogs.
if i catch up on reading blogs or blog on my own site, then i'm happy that i've done something just for me, but i feel unfulfilled that i haven't done something creative, like making more jewellery.
even if i do make more jewellery, then i still feel guilty that i'm not doing housework.
no matter what it is that i choose to do, for myself or for the household, i still feel the tension of knowing that smiley is going to wake up or want my undivided attention again soon & that my hands-free time could end at any minute. so sometimes then i just end up doing not much at all because i don't want to start something only to have to stop it again as soon as i get involved in it.
it really bugs me. it gets me down .. well, about as down as i ever get which isn't very. as things go that get me down though, this one is a biggy.
does every other mother &/or wife feel this way? what can i do to stop feeling like this? it's driving me crazy. i really hate it.
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