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Tuesday, May 29, 2007 - (see all news for this day)
seeing him sad breaks my heart - 04:25 PM
(filed under 'smiley')
i mentioned it in my previous entry about going to the play school concert, but it was almost a passing thought in that context. in real life, when smiley was so sad because he couldn't give his pretend presents to play school, it was way more than just a passing thought. in fact, i think it affected me more deeply than it did him.
he was feeling down right up until the time that the two play school presenters came out to autograph things & have pictures taken & he was then able to give the presents to them. i was sad for several hours after that. i still am now!
i've seen smiley upset many times before, like when he's told me that he misses his daddy (although that hasn't been an issue just lately since shroom's back here while he gets all the paperwork in order for his new job in belguim), or like the other day when he thought i was angry at him for writing on the bottom of a plate (i exclaimed in a somewhat surprised manner, but i wasn't angry since i knew the pen would wash off), but i've never seen him quite so crestfallen because he wasn't able to do something which meant so much inside his three & a half year old mind.
as soon as he ran off to give them his 'present' & i saw that they'd just left the stage, i knew deep down, with a mother's intuition perhaps, that he was going to be devastated. when i caught up to him & saw his little face looking so sad, i felt as though my heart shattered into a million little pieces. his previous visible excitement & pure joy at wanting to give something to the two presenters (even if it was just a pretend present taken from his pocket & held in an empty hand) was gone & had been replaced with a slow pace, a hanging posture & the saddest little eyes you've ever seen.
i picked him up & gave him a kiss, but it didn't help all that much. i asked him if he wanted a cuddle & he wrapped his arms around me & rested his head on my shoulder in a way that he never does unless he's genuinely sad about something. we spoke about what happened & he confirmed the reason for his sadness. he hugged me about four or five more times, even after i tried to cheer him up with the offer of a play school toy from the gift shop set up at the back of the hall. he's normally pretty keen on a toy, but whichever ones i suggested, he just wasn't interested.
he did finally cheer up after the two presenters turned up at the gift shop about five to ten minutes later & he was able to give them an empty handful each, which, he told them, was a rainbow phone (he's into rainbows at the moment), but it affected me deeply & for much longer.
i know there'll possibly be many more times in his life when i can't fix it & i'm sure that i'll be just as sad about those times as well. i feel as though i can now understand how awful it is for parents to see their children, no matter what age those children are, heading into certain disappointment.
Oh gosh Coralie, it NEVER stops. You will feel that hurt any time you know your child is sad and you are not able to fix it. That's the thing, motherhood is forever.
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yup, nothing one can do except be there for them at these times.